Danes Drinking Themselves Silly

We have become more and more aware of the ways and customs of people all over the world. Television and a generally increased level of education has opened our eyes to totally different cultures. But it wasn't always so. Once we regarded everything different from our own ways and customs with suspicion, wonder, amazement or amusement. It was almost beyond our comprehension, that people could live in a way so different from ours, have customs so different from ours - and it was probably beyond their comprehension that anyone could be as silly as us.

 

The Inuits in Greenland lived in small communities. They had maybe occasionally been in contact with whalers from other parts of the world, but they did not have a general knowledge of life there.

 

Then the Danes came to Greenland. Danish settlements were established in Greenland. The Greenlanders were introduced to Danish culture - Christ, coffee, and alcohol.

 

Once a new trading post was established on the west coast of Greenland. A small Danish community came into being (teacher/priest, tradesmen, government representative etc.). They wanted to get to know the Inuit community a bit better and invited four of their elders for a formal dinner.

 

They arrived and sat down at a magnificent dinner table. They had a great six course-meal with plenty of wine and formal speeches to go with it.

 

When the four men got back to the Inuit community, the other Inuits were, of course, very curious about what had happened at the dinner party.

 

"You won't believe it" one of the elders said, "they drink so much that before they start eating they have a card with their name put down by their plate, so that they won't forget it."

The Joy of Giving

My Uncle Jack is now an inventor. He is very skilled with electronics, learnt a lot about it when he served in the army. And he has now invented an App. The Christmas Present Tracker App he calls it. Actually he finished the first version of it 5 years ago, and the testing results are now so good that he is ready to sell the App to the highest bidder.

 

As far as I understand it works some way like this: you apply a tiny trickle of a semi-fluid invisible paste with an unique code to an object (i.e. the present you want to track), and afterwards it is impossible to see it with the naked eye, but you can track the object with your phone. And it is machine washable.

 

My Uncle Jack applied it to three presents he gave for Christmas five years ago. The results are interesting:

 

1. for his old Aunt Bessie he bought: a blue ceramic teapot with small white dots and the text "It's A Beautiful Day" applied to it in large handwriting. This was a very successful present. The very next day it moved from the living room into the kitchen as has stayed there ever since. Every time he visits he is served tea from that very teapot. Aunt Bessie spends a lot of time in the kitchen with the teapot. She is virtually blind, and do not often get out of the house.

 

2. for his younger brother John he bought: five pairs of men's boxer shorts. They have been to lot of places. Paris, London, New York  and Bradford-on-Avon to name but a few. One pair apparently was left in a motel room close to the motorway near Cardiff in Wales, although Jack is not sure it the tracking device got this right, as his brother has never been to Wales as far as Jack knows. The other 4 shorts are still moving around the world after 5 years, so now Uncle Jack knows what to get his brother for Christmas this year.

 

3. For his mother in law he bought: a beautiful King Kong clock. It's a model of the Empire State with King Kong perched on the top. More a work of art than a functional object. He got it from a charity shop for a good price. His mother in law was extremely thankful for the present. Two days later it was back in another charity shop. It was bought by a couple who later split up. It moved between their new separate homes for a few months before ending up in yet another charity shop. And charity shops seem to have become its destiny. 36 times it has left a charity shop, and 36 times it has come back to a charity shop over the past 5 years. 36 times!!! When I asked him if he wasn't sad that his mother in law had not kept the present, he told me to think of what this present had done for charity. "In just five years it has probably fetched more for charity than a gold watch would do in a lifetime," he said.

 

And now he is waiting for a buyer for his invention. "Aren't you excited?", I asked him, "you are going to be rich".

 

"I'm not doing it for the money", he said. "I want to give people back the joy of giving. It's called altruism."

Be sure to look out for the new App. I'm certain you will enjoy it.

Safe Transfer

Fred and his wife lived on a very small island. They were farmers, and apart from their farm there were only two other small farms on the island. When they needed provisions of any kind they had to go to the mainland in their little boat.

This was OK in the summer (unless there was a violent storm), but as the winter approached and the frost set in and the water started to freeze over the situation could become more problematic.

One year there was a prolonged period with so much ice that sailing across had become impossible, and at the same time the ice was not yet stable enough to carry a man and a sleigh.

Stocks were running low. No more coffee, hardly any oil left for the lamps and no beer to keep up spirits.

At last Fred decided that now the ice was probably safe. He sent his wife across with a sleigh to carry the goods on. He gave her a letter to give to the store manager on the other side.

 

She arrived safely at the other side, went up to the store not far from the beach, and gave the letter to Ben, the store manager.

The letter was a long list of all the items they needed. Fred's wife gave the letter to Ben, who opened it and started getting the provision ready. When he got to the end of the list there was a "PS":

"Dear Ben, could you please give me credit on this load. I'll send the money across as soon as I'm really sure the ice is safe".

Don't leave out a Zero

The phone rang.

 

A voice asked, "Am I speaking to Mr. Pulo Chritensi?"

 

"You are", I answered.

 

"I'm Mr. Spencer, calling from The Inland Revenue. We have now had the time to go through your accounts in both this country and abroad."

 

A shiver ran through my spine.

 

"It doesn't look good", he added. "your tax declaration is miles away from our findings."

 

"Well, I can explain", I said desperately. "I'm sure there must have been some sort of mistake somewhere".

 

"You will get a chance to explain later he said. I am sitting here with my good friend from the Middleburg State Penitentiary, Mr. Jones. We were wondering, whether you would prefer to have the sun in the morning or in the afternoon. That is why we call you. Of course it is not a definite choice, you can change cell every year - after the first three years."

 

That's when I had a notion, that something was not right. The Middleburg State Penitentiary closed down two years ago!

 

On the phone I heard someone laughing in the background. It was a prank. Two old colleagues were having me on. I felt relief, and a meeting at a bar downtown was quickly arranged.

 

But isn't it amazing how the mere mentioning of the tax authorities will call forth the most Kafkian feelings in you? You think you have everything right, but it is complicated, and can you be sure you have not left out a zero or entered something under a wrong heading? And they have all kind of information about you. You can't hide anything.

Friends not for Dinner

We are having guests for dinner tomorrow night. At seven sharp. A total of twelve. My wife has already been busy with preparations in the kitchen and I was sent to get some bottles of wine.

 

It is mostly friends of my wife who are coming. She has many more friends than I have. Or at least more of the sort of friends you can invite for dinner. My friends are not the type who needs an invitation. They drop in for coffee or a beer if they are in the neighbourhood and have the time. They are the type who fell their own trees themselves and speak their minds. An interesting and varied lot. A motley crew.

 

The guests invited are at an altogether different level. They are solving problems at national and international level. Or, to be more precise, they would be if those in power would just listen to them. They are preoccupied with global heating, and they save the animals of the world, while other people are out walking their dogs.

 

I had planned to invite my Uncle Jack. In fact I had already told him, he could come. When I told my wife, she got furious. "You know we can't have Jack come for the dinner. What will the Jenkinsons and the Smiths think. They are so liberal and broad-minded, and Jack is so conservative."

 

It is not that my wife don't like Jack. Everybody does. It is just a friendship she wouldn't put on Facebook or invite for dinner.

 

I told Jack. "Well" he said, "if I have to exchange shared prejudice with others over a glass of red wine, I prefer to do it with a beautiful girl and with a much better wine than the one you normally offer." I could tell that he felt a little bit hurt. But the thing with him is that he soon forgets about things like that.

 

He is coming over Monday to help me put up my new solar panels. I will buy him a bottle of very fine wine.